[Callers] Re: preference for dancing with opposite gender?

I'm nodding with a lot of comments from the last couple days. Louise articulated some base concepts clearly, which a lot of y'all expanded on. There are some contradictory ideas about gender and sexuality with dance, and I think we in general tend to shy away from delving too deeply in public discussion. I've been accused of "shaming" people for asking why a man may prefer dancing with women. The thing is, I've also said what I think nearly everyone - including most/all of the strongest advocates for genderfree contra - has said: its OK to have preferences for partners. I think it is sometimes hard to presume these discussions are done assuming the benefit of good intent, given how much gender and sexuality is an enormous political and civil rights topic in the US and most Western nations. But, I presume this good intent, and I think nearly everyone here does, too, so, I'm taking another stab at this topic. Here's some ideas I've been chewing over in an attempt to dig into this more deeply: - dance is often a courtship ritual - despite this, inter-gender set dancing has a long tradition in Western dance, and partnering with someone hasn't really ever been a "oh, I am attracted to them". To use the overused example of Jane Austen novels, even then it's clear family dance together, friends dance together, and strangers dance together just to have any partner. - children are at our dances. So if a person is choosing partners based on heterosexual tradition, why, um: EW And thus is where the conversation often stops. But to break it down more: - So, when someone says they prefer to dance in non-genderfree dances, with a partner of a different binary-presenting gender person, in trad roles, there's 2 possible, non-exclusive reasons: 1. That their choice is about courtship, but "make exceptions" for people you're not attracted to. Which, I guess is fine in and of itself, but I think people with this preference often may not consider _just how many exceptions_ there are. 2. Their choice is more about embracing traditional gender roles. I'll get back to this. So, in the case of #1, the problem isn't just about "what do we do with the fact that about 5% of people aren't straight". (And realize the number being 3 or 4 times as high among surveyed youth, with numbers lower in areas where anti-lgbtq law and sentiment pervades). The problem is also about fat phobia. And bias against people who aren't "conventionally attractive". And ageism. And disability phobia. Then there's the even worse case of when a person both claims attraction is their main factor for partner preference ... and also has a preference for much younger dancers. :| Pushing back on the idea of "partner preference because of sexual preference" is about all these issues - fatphobia, ageism, disability phobia, beauty-bias, etc. Now, maybe these things aren't a priority to everyone, but, I'm going to assume that the overwhelming majority of people on Shared Weight are interested in most, if not all of them. And, inevitably, remember - youth, beauty, and able-bodiedness all will fade for everyone. In reality, I think partner and role preference for trad-gender-partnering actually has to do more with gender norms. So insofar as sexual-attraction for partner preference, I think pushing back, openly, against this, can benefit dance communities in many ways. And, ultimately if that's not actually the main reason, then it isn't really harming anyone if we present it and deal with it with compassion and patience for those having difficulty with the change. It's not like people aren't going to flirt and meet sexual partners anyway; we simply don't need to establish dance as a courtship-by-default space. Which leads to look at the other reason, #2: wanting trad gender partnering because you just like trad gender roles. In and of itself, that's fine. If you like ways of having your binary gender reinforced, there's nothing wrong with that. And while I'm not transgender, my friends who are and have shifted/come out as a different binary gender identity deserve to have their gender affirmed, too. While me, personally, I don't need reinforcement about being man (which is its own privilege), I respect people's desire for their gender to be respected and celebrated. So, what does that mean for dancing? - Ultimately, as long as people are finding partners and having fun and people are respectful of anyone they meet in line, great! - As noted, splitting up people because of gender is disrespectful on several levels. - That complaining about "ah, so many neighbors are my same gender" is setting one's own preference above everyone else's. In short: it's selfish. - If someone refuses to dance with someone of the same gender (or nonbinary/agender folks who "don't look like the opposite gender") then that's selfish. It's not _as_ selfish as the last item, and, generally, if this is what they choose, I don't see the positive outcomes from pushing it. So, if someone wants to just dance trad gender preference in partners, that's fine to me. There is, though, the big Catch 22: If someone believes gendered roles "are just role names", while simultaneously have a strong/sole preference trad-gender-partnering, this is self-contradictory. That person is trying to have it both ways. And so, I leave with the thought: this last bit I see as a core sticking point to more equality and inclusion at dances. How do we address this? Can we start looking at this more openly in a way that is compassionate buy also more direct that we have been? In dance, Julian Blechner He/Him Western Mass On Tue, Mar 12, 2024, 12:24 PM Tanya Merchant via Contra Callers < contracallers(a)lists.sharedweight.net&gt; wrote: _______________________________________________ Contra Callers mailing list -- contracallers(a)lists.sharedweight.net To unsubscribe send an email to contracallers-leave(a)lists.sharedweight.net