22 Jan
2013
22 Jan
'13
5:15 p.m.
I'm now 69. If I ever was in it, I passed the hot dancer phase long ago,
At the most of dances I usually attend, I go out of my way to dance with
newcomers, inexperienced dancers and those who always seem left out--at
least part of the night. After a few go rounds though, I tend to avoid
those dancers who just make it work to dance with them and that includes
some very experienced (including some folks who have been new dancers for
15 years) and some pretty good dancers who are just annoying. I often
dance with young people, at least in part because I want them to become
regulars--if they don't become regulars pretty soon everyone at the dance
begins to look like me--nobody wants that. Also because if they dance with
a patient, non-showoff, experienced dancer they tend to develop good dance
habits--and most dancers do want that. The one dance where I only
occasionally dance with newcomers is at Glen Echo. I figure I drive 2
hours or more to get there and 2 or more to get home, I'm going to optimize
my dance experience. I also believe there are enough regular dancers there
who should be making the effort to make newcomers feel at home.
Interestingly, I've still danced with enough new dancers there that they
seek me out as a partner. I understand that absolutely no one is obligated
to dance with me--ever (something I explain very carefully to new, young
dancers), nor is there any obligation to explain or make excuses. Still,
we should all try to not be rude. After a while, I just kind of give up.
They've made it clear that they prefer other dancers. I can deal with
that. And to be honest, if I'm wasting my time asking dancers who have
other preferences, I'm missing dancers who would be more than happy to
dance with me. On two separate occasions I decided I was wasting my time
asking already booked dancers and they later came to me and asked me why I
stopped asking. I explained that by taking time getting turned down by her
I was missing getting on the floor altogether and I'd rather dance than
watch. One of those women now occasionally asks me to dance. The other
ignores me as if was wearing a vanishing cloak. There are no absolute
answers, other than to encourage people to be kind, thoughtful, courteous,
understanding and careful. Kind of like life itself. Thanks,George
On Tue, Jan 22, 2013 at 8:32 AM, Alan Winston <winston(a)slac.stanford.edu>wrote;wrote:
On 1/21/2013 6:27 PM, Aahz Maruch quoted me:
Even if you did only want to dance with your friends, that is your
Everyone who comes to a contra dance is trying to engage in
enjoyment-maximizing behavior. There are usually plenty of other things
they could be doing with their Saturday night, and this thing is what they
decided would be most fun. So beyond the very basic rules - you kinda
have to do the figures the caller called, and do them with whoever you come
to in line; that's the basic contract - anything else is optional.
I personally don't want anybody dancing with the newbies who is doing it
solely out of a sense of duty, rather than because they hope to enjoy it or
because they're taking a big-picture view and realize that the activity
needs to integrate the newbies in order to survive so that they can keep
enjoying it.
Erik Hoffman has a thing about the stages of a contra dancer, and the
mature contra dancer - in his view - has passed through the crazy
flourishes and hottest partner phase already and is now concerned with the
happiness of the room; can enjoy helping a beginner through a dance as much
as being in a hot set with a hot partner, etc. I like to think that will
happen, although I look around the Bay Area and see several people who, it
seems to me, are not mature dancers even though they've been doing it for
twenty years; guys and gals who book every dance, often while in line for
the previous dance, do dips; appear - and of course I'm not in their heads
so who knows what's actually going on - to only partner with others they'd
like to date, etc, etc. And while that annoys me, it _is_ their perfect
right. They paid their ten bucks; they can try to have the kind of dance
experience they want to have. We're not going to toss them out for being
uncommunitarian. And we need their ten bucks. (Maybe not their individual
ten bucks - we can afford to bounce somebody for being creepy - but their
collective ten bucks; if we banned everybody who ever behaved selfishly
from contra dances we'd have a lot of trouble filling our dance halls.)
Also, what accounts for the prevalance of the meme that one "should
perfect
right. You have complete freedom to decline any offer you
don't want to accept for whatever reason and then accept an offer you
do want to accept. You are not required to offer an explanation.
(If you say no to Joe and then yes to Jerry and Joe's paying
attention, he'll get the message that you didn't want to dance with
him and his feelings may be hurt, but that's actually his business,
not yours. It would possibly be a kindness to Joe and to the
community to tell Joe "you twirl me too much" or "I don't like to do
dips" if there's some simple way he could alter his behavior that
would let you enjoy dancing with him, but it's not required, and just
saying "No, thank you" means you don't have to have a conversation and
can each try to find other partners. If you only ever dance with a
small subset of the people in the hall, other people will eventually
notice and have opinions - and that's still their business, not
yours.)
Not that I'm necessarily disagreeing with this, but how do you reconcile
what you're writing here with the meme that people "should" dance with
the newbies and the sidelined dancers?
never" turn down an offer to dance? (I tend
to fall into this camp and
I'm not really sure where I got it from.)
I was surprised recently to encounter the "If you decline an invitation
you must sit out that dance" meme in Jane Austen, although I've forgotten
where. I don't know if that's where it's coming from, though.
-- Alan
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