Re: [Callers] Etiquette of refusing an offer to dance

On 2017-12-16 1139, Kalia Kliban via Callers wrote: snip I'm aware of it the earlier approach. Like Martha I once chose to follow it and sit one out now and again. I think it's pretty much died, and across a number of dance forms in my village, and the local and larger regions here. I couldn't say when, however it isn't a taught thing, to my knowledge. I've not seen a written statement, in any social/country dance form in my village or the major neighbouring one. When offering an introductory session, typically for Contra or sometimes for a larger/longer "Community" or ONS event, I cover it at some point. Rather than talk about it, or model it, I have _everyone_ pattern it. All I do is state that anyone may ask anyone to dance, that we all have the freedom to accept or not. I often include that _no_ reason, excuse/"excuse", explanation, or additional words are necessary, useful or expected. Then I give a basic verbal example like, "Would you like to dance?" "Yes please/thank you." (depends on my mind that day.) "Would you like to dance?" "No thank you." I count to three, we all _loudly_ ask, then we all loudly answer, accepting. Then I start again and we all ask, then all kindly say no. Often many are laughing by the time that is done. Sometimes I've seen the mood, esp. amongst some who may have seemed concerned (generally), lighten a bit. Usually lots of smiles. Thing is they've all practised it, and now know that those in the room know this is an accepted approach. I think that takes a load off some minds, if not about this then possibly about being there, trying something new. We're laughing and that eases a number of things in general. Enough regular dancers participate in the Contra intro session that it's not only newcomers who hear this, from me. If it's late enough in the time frame of that others are in the room and hear it as well. The Me-Too moment: I've really only had one major instance of a persistent series of "askings", over one event and from one person at that. I danced a couple of them. I then chose to say more, thanking them for the attention and the awareness given me that they thought it fun to dance with me, however pointing out there were more people than I could possibly dance with there over that type of dance weekend, and that I too had friends I'd not dance with if I acquiesced to every request. (We were both visiting that city.) It wasn't comfortable to say, however the attention wasn't welcome either. I think the point was made kindly enough that I wasn't their "ride", to satisfy them simply out of courtesy. Perhaps this informed me a bit with respect to my inclusions when teaching. Dunno. I'm glad of the aspect Alan provided regarding Austenites/Regency. Very handy to know. It's the kind of thing I might have read and automatically tempered myself in a contemporary setting without considering the effect that same reading might have on a died-in-the-wool fan. Thank you for the question and the thread. It might prove to be an interesting and useful one for the SW Dance Organiser list denizens. Compliments of the season to all. Cheers, John -- J.D. Erskine Victoria, BC