[Callers] Etiquette of refusing an offer to dance

Mon Dec 18 20:40:12 PST 2017

You and me both Ron, we steal from the best.

Bob Green

On Mon, Dec 18, 2017 at 4:33 PM, Ron Blechner via Callers <
callers at lists.sharedweight.net> wrote:

> This thread is great!
>
> I just wanted to throw out props to George Marshall who was teaching at
> the end of his beginner lessons: accepting and declining and moving on with
> dance requests - earlier than I can remember other callers doing it. I've
> stolen my schtick directly from him.
>
> Ron Blechner
>
> On Dec 18, 2017 12:09 PM, "Rich Sbardella via Callers" <
> callers at lists.sharedweight.net> wrote:
>
>> Mary has made some very valid points.  It would be good to emphasize that
>> this is a dance "community", and that all people should be respectful of
>> others.  Many dancers take a "no" as a personal rejection and perhaps even
>> as disrespectful.  This tends to hurt the community as a whole and often
>> leads to cliques.  My thought is that dancers should have a reason for
>> saying no, but that reason need not be vocalized.
>>
>> As an older dancer, most of the rejections I experience are from much
>> younger ladies that do not know me yet.  I tend to want to help newer
>> dancers with their skills, and have made many new dance friends this way.
>> I handle most rejections by remembering that many other dances seek me out
>> as a partner.
>>
>> To summarize, two people are involved in a dance request, and the
>> response should keep that in mind.
>>
>> On Mon, Dec 18, 2017 at 11:17 AM, Mary Collins via Callers <
>> callers at lists.sharedweight.net> wrote:
>>
>>> coming late also here, Dale, so stealing your "lesson" comments.  We
>>> usually don't directly address the refusal part of the equation as we are
>>> so short of dancers, it's usually exhaustion that sits us out! lol...saying
>>> that...we do encourage new dancers to ask anyone (esp. those that look like
>>> they know what they are doing) to dance.  Our regular dancers are always
>>> eager to bring them into the experience for which I am grateful.  The "old"
>>> rule used to apply and several years ago, we had a very upset dancer who
>>> left and never returned because someone turned him down and then danced
>>> with someone else.  This particular dancer it was found, had some mental
>>> health issues, along with size and ability issues as well and took the
>>> refusal very personally.
>>>
>>> In the CDSS callers' course we discussed this and it was mentioned that
>>> saying no, needs no explanation.  Now, as a large woman (who,it has been
>>> noted by another dancer as"...very light on your feet") I often get no's.
>>> I try to ignore this and not take it personally, however, it often comes to
>>> mind as I sit out more and more.  Age and size do matter, unfortunately.
>>> As we become more inclusive in our dance culture we tend to forget those of
>>> us who raised you and brought you into this wonderful world of dance and
>>> community.  So if there is a kind, gentle way to remind dancers to ask
>>> ANYone to dance, and to accept the invitation (if so desired) regardless of
>>> dancer appearance or possible experience then I am all for it.  Please note
>>> this happens to me more at festivals and dances where I am less known as
>>> organizer, dancer, caller.
>>>
>>> Ok way to get off on a tangent but I feel it is relevant.
>>>
>>> Mary Collins
>>>
>>> “Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass ... it's about
>>> learning to dance in the rain!” ~ Unknown
>>>
>>> On Mon, Dec 18, 2017 at 10:54 AM, Luke Donforth via Callers <
>>> callers at lists.sharedweight.net> wrote:
>>>
>>>> At the dances I've seen/called in and around VT, we don't address this
>>>> directly (with signs or such).
>>>>
>>>> I've heard of the practice of sitting after declining, but I don't
>>>> think it's a common practice for most folks these days. I'd say it's mostly
>>>> fallen by the wayside.
>>>>
>>>> The one time I've seen it come up at a dance was more than a decade ago
>>>> when an older male dancer castigated a young female dancer for turning him
>>>> down and then dancing with someone else instead of sitting out. Several
>>>> folks told her afterwards that he was rude and impertinent and she hadn't
>>>> been in the wrong. I wish we'd taken a stronger line with him directly too
>>>> though. I don't know if she offered an excuse or just a no, thank you.
>>>>
>>>> I like CD*NY's etiquette list that Alexandra linked to (
>>>> http://cdny.org/what-is-contra/contra-etiquette/), especially the bit
>>>> that addresses this:
>>>>
>>>> *You are always free to say no when someone asks you to dance.  You
>>>> don’t have to give a reason; you can just say “No, thank you.” If you ask
>>>> someone to dance and they say “No,” take it gracefully and move on. If
>>>> someone has declined to dance with you, the etiquette in our community is
>>>> not to ask that person again that same night. If they would like to dance
>>>> with you, they can come ask you—it’s their turn to do the asking.*
>>>>
>>>> Adding that you shouldn't ask someone multiple times, but have put the
>>>> ball in their court seems a polite nudge to folks on both sides
>>>>
>>>> Incorporating some of the other strong suggestions that have come up on
>>>> this discussion, I might advocate our group putting up something like:
>>>> You are always free to say no when someone asks you to dance.  No
>>>> reasons are required; a short "No, thank you.” gives that person more time
>>>> to find a different partner. If you ask someone...
>>>>
>>>> Thanks for starting this discussion Kalia! It seems like one that could
>>>> have gone on the organizers shared-weight instead of callers; but this one
>>>> does seem to be most people's default.
>>>>
>>>> --
>>>> Luke Donforth
>>>> Luke.Donforth at gmail.com <Luke.Donev at gmail.com>
>>>>
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>>>>
>>>
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