[Callers] Etiquette of refusing an offer to dance

Mon Dec 18 14:33:57 PST 2017

This thread is great!

I just wanted to throw out props to George Marshall who was teaching at the
end of his beginner lessons: accepting and declining and moving on with
dance requests - earlier than I can remember other callers doing it. I've
stolen my schtick directly from him.

Ron Blechner

On Dec 18, 2017 12:09 PM, "Rich Sbardella via Callers" <
callers at lists.sharedweight.net> wrote:

> Mary has made some very valid points.  It would be good to emphasize that
> this is a dance "community", and that all people should be respectful of
> others.  Many dancers take a "no" as a personal rejection and perhaps even
> as disrespectful.  This tends to hurt the community as a whole and often
> leads to cliques.  My thought is that dancers should have a reason for
> saying no, but that reason need not be vocalized.
>
> As an older dancer, most of the rejections I experience are from much
> younger ladies that do not know me yet.  I tend to want to help newer
> dancers with their skills, and have made many new dance friends this way.
> I handle most rejections by remembering that many other dances seek me out
> as a partner.
>
> To summarize, two people are involved in a dance request, and the response
> should keep that in mind.
>
> On Mon, Dec 18, 2017 at 11:17 AM, Mary Collins via Callers <
> callers at lists.sharedweight.net> wrote:
>
>> coming late also here, Dale, so stealing your "lesson" comments.  We
>> usually don't directly address the refusal part of the equation as we are
>> so short of dancers, it's usually exhaustion that sits us out! lol...saying
>> that...we do encourage new dancers to ask anyone (esp. those that look like
>> they know what they are doing) to dance.  Our regular dancers are always
>> eager to bring them into the experience for which I am grateful.  The "old"
>> rule used to apply and several years ago, we had a very upset dancer who
>> left and never returned because someone turned him down and then danced
>> with someone else.  This particular dancer it was found, had some mental
>> health issues, along with size and ability issues as well and took the
>> refusal very personally.
>>
>> In the CDSS callers' course we discussed this and it was mentioned that
>> saying no, needs no explanation.  Now, as a large woman (who,it has been
>> noted by another dancer as"...very light on your feet") I often get no's.
>> I try to ignore this and not take it personally, however, it often comes to
>> mind as I sit out more and more.  Age and size do matter, unfortunately.
>> As we become more inclusive in our dance culture we tend to forget those of
>> us who raised you and brought you into this wonderful world of dance and
>> community.  So if there is a kind, gentle way to remind dancers to ask
>> ANYone to dance, and to accept the invitation (if so desired) regardless of
>> dancer appearance or possible experience then I am all for it.  Please note
>> this happens to me more at festivals and dances where I am less known as
>> organizer, dancer, caller.
>>
>> Ok way to get off on a tangent but I feel it is relevant.
>>
>> Mary Collins
>>
>> “Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass ... it's about learning
>> to dance in the rain!” ~ Unknown
>>
>> On Mon, Dec 18, 2017 at 10:54 AM, Luke Donforth via Callers <
>> callers at lists.sharedweight.net> wrote:
>>
>>> At the dances I've seen/called in and around VT, we don't address this
>>> directly (with signs or such).
>>>
>>> I've heard of the practice of sitting after declining, but I don't think
>>> it's a common practice for most folks these days. I'd say it's mostly
>>> fallen by the wayside.
>>>
>>> The one time I've seen it come up at a dance was more than a decade ago
>>> when an older male dancer castigated a young female dancer for turning him
>>> down and then dancing with someone else instead of sitting out. Several
>>> folks told her afterwards that he was rude and impertinent and she hadn't
>>> been in the wrong. I wish we'd taken a stronger line with him directly too
>>> though. I don't know if she offered an excuse or just a no, thank you.
>>>
>>> I like CD*NY's etiquette list that Alexandra linked to (
>>> http://cdny.org/what-is-contra/contra-etiquette/), especially the bit
>>> that addresses this:
>>>
>>> *You are always free to say no when someone asks you to dance.  You
>>> don’t have to give a reason; you can just say “No, thank you.” If you ask
>>> someone to dance and they say “No,” take it gracefully and move on. If
>>> someone has declined to dance with you, the etiquette in our community is
>>> not to ask that person again that same night. If they would like to dance
>>> with you, they can come ask you—it’s their turn to do the asking.*
>>>
>>> Adding that you shouldn't ask someone multiple times, but have put the
>>> ball in their court seems a polite nudge to folks on both sides
>>>
>>> Incorporating some of the other strong suggestions that have come up on
>>> this discussion, I might advocate our group putting up something like:
>>> You are always free to say no when someone asks you to dance.  No
>>> reasons are required; a short "No, thank you.” gives that person more time
>>> to find a different partner. If you ask someone...
>>>
>>> Thanks for starting this discussion Kalia! It seems like one that could
>>> have gone on the organizers shared-weight instead of callers; but this one
>>> does seem to be most people's default.
>>>
>>> --
>>> Luke Donforth
>>> Luke.Donforth at gmail.com <Luke.Donev at gmail.com>
>>>
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>>>
>>
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>
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