[Callers] Etiquette of refusing an offer to dance

[Rich Sbardella]

Mary has made some very valid points.  It would be good to emphasize that
this is a dance "community", and that all people should be respectful of
others.  Many dancers take a "no" as a personal rejection and perhaps even
as disrespectful.  This tends to hurt the community as a whole and often
leads to cliques.  My thought is that dancers should have a reason for
saying no, but that reason need not be vocalized.

As an older dancer, most of the rejections I experience are from much
younger ladies that do not know me yet.  I tend to want to help newer
dancers with their skills, and have made many new dance friends this way.
I handle most rejections by remembering that many other dances seek me out
as a partner.

To summarize, two people are involved in a dance request, and the response
should keep that in mind.

On Mon, Dec 18, 2017 at 11:17 AM, Mary Collins via Callers <
callers at lists.sharedweight.net> wrote:

> coming late also here, Dale, so stealing your "lesson" comments.  We
> usually don't directly address the refusal part of the equation as we are
> so short of dancers, it's usually exhaustion that sits us out! lol...saying
> that...we do encourage new dancers to ask anyone (esp. those that look like
> they know what they are doing) to dance.  Our regular dancers are always
> eager to bring them into the experience for which I am grateful.  The "old"
> rule used to apply and several years ago, we had a very upset dancer who
> left and never returned because someone turned him down and then danced
> with someone else.  This particular dancer it was found, had some mental
> health issues, along with size and ability issues as well and took the
> refusal very personally.
>
> In the CDSS callers' course we discussed this and it was mentioned that
> saying no, needs no explanation.  Now, as a large woman (who,it has been
> noted by another dancer as"...very light on your feet") I often get no's.
> I try to ignore this and not take it personally, however, it often comes to
> mind as I sit out more and more.  Age and size do matter, unfortunately.
> As we become more inclusive in our dance culture we tend to forget those of
> us who raised you and brought you into this wonderful world of dance and
> community.  So if there is a kind, gentle way to remind dancers to ask
> ANYone to dance, and to accept the invitation (if so desired) regardless of
> dancer appearance or possible experience then I am all for it.  Please note
> this happens to me more at festivals and dances where I am less known as
> organizer, dancer, caller.
>
> Ok way to get off on a tangent but I feel it is relevant.
>
> Mary Collins
>
> “Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass ... it's about learning
> to dance in the rain!” ~ Unknown
>
> On Mon, Dec 18, 2017 at 10:54 AM, Luke Donforth via Callers <
> callers at lists.sharedweight.net> wrote:
>
>> At the dances I've seen/called in and around VT, we don't address this
>> directly (with signs or such).
>>
>> I've heard of the practice of sitting after declining, but I don't think
>> it's a common practice for most folks these days. I'd say it's mostly
>> fallen by the wayside.
>>
>> The one time I've seen it come up at a dance was more than a decade ago
>> when an older male dancer castigated a young female dancer for turning him
>> down and then dancing with someone else instead of sitting out. Several
>> folks told her afterwards that he was rude and impertinent and she hadn't
>> been in the wrong. I wish we'd taken a stronger line with him directly too
>> though. I don't know if she offered an excuse or just a no, thank you.
>>
>> I like CD*NY's etiquette list that Alexandra linked to (
>> http://cdny.org/what-is-contra/contra-etiquette/), especially the bit
>> that addresses this:
>>
>> *You are always free to say no when someone asks you to dance.  You don’t
>> have to give a reason; you can just say “No, thank you.” If you ask someone
>> to dance and they say “No,” take it gracefully and move on. If someone has
>> declined to dance with you, the etiquette in our community is not to ask
>> that person again that same night. If they would like to dance with you,
>> they can come ask you—it’s their turn to do the asking.*
>>
>> Adding that you shouldn't ask someone multiple times, but have put the
>> ball in their court seems a polite nudge to folks on both sides
>>
>> Incorporating some of the other strong suggestions that have come up on
>> this discussion, I might advocate our group putting up something like:
>> You are always free to say no when someone asks you to dance.  No reasons
>> are required; a short "No, thank you.” gives that person more time to find
>> a different partner. If you ask someone...
>>
>> Thanks for starting this discussion Kalia! It seems like one that could
>> have gone on the organizers shared-weight instead of callers; but this one
>> does seem to be most people's default.
>>
>> --
>> Luke Donforth
>> Luke.Donforth at gmail.com <Luke.Donev at gmail.com>
>>
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>
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