[Callers] Etiquette of refusing an offer to dance

[JD Erskine]

On 2017-12-16 1139, Kalia Kliban via Callers wrote:
> Hi all,

snip

> To what extent has that earlier etiquette norm either survived or been
> replaced, and what has it been replaced with?  In your dance community,
> do you have a written statement of the etiquette around this?  Our
> community's statement doesn't directly address this issue.
>
> Kalia

I'm aware of it the earlier approach. Like Martha I once chose to follow 
it and sit one out now and again.

I think it's pretty much died, and across a number of dance forms in my 
village, and the local and larger regions here. I couldn't say when, 
however it isn't a taught thing, to my knowledge.

I've not seen a written statement, in any social/country dance form in 
my village or the major neighbouring one.

When offering an introductory session, typically for Contra or sometimes 
for a larger/longer "Community" or ONS event, I cover it at some point.

Rather than talk about it, or model it, I have _everyone_ pattern it.

All I do is state that anyone may ask anyone to dance, that we all have 
the freedom to accept or not. I often include that _no_ reason, 
excuse/"excuse", explanation, or additional words are necessary, useful 
or expected.

Then I give a basic verbal example like,

"Would you like to dance?" "Yes please/thank you."
(depends on my mind that day.)

"Would you like to dance?" "No thank you."

I count to three, we all _loudly_ ask, then we all loudly answer, 
accepting. Then I start again and we all ask, then all kindly say no.

Often many are laughing by the time that is done.

Sometimes I've seen the mood, esp. amongst some who may have seemed 
concerned (generally), lighten a bit. Usually lots of smiles. Thing is 
they've all practised it, and now know that those in the room know this 
is an accepted approach. I think that takes a load off some minds, if 
not about this then possibly about being there, trying something new. 
We're laughing and that eases a number of things in general.

Enough regular dancers participate in the Contra intro session that it's 
not only newcomers who hear this, from me. If it's late enough in the 
time frame of that others are in the room and hear it as well.


The Me-Too moment:

I've really only had one major instance of a persistent series of 
"askings", over one event and from one person at that. I danced a couple 
of them. I then chose to say more, thanking them for the attention and 
the awareness given me that they thought it fun to dance with me, 
however pointing out there were more people than I could possibly dance 
with there over that type of dance weekend, and that I too had friends 
I'd not dance with if I acquiesced to every request. (We were both 
visiting that city.) It wasn't comfortable to say, however the attention 
wasn't welcome either.

I think the point was made kindly enough that I wasn't their "ride", to 
satisfy them simply out of courtesy. Perhaps this informed me a bit with 
respect to my inclusions when teaching. Dunno.

I'm glad of the aspect Alan provided regarding Austenites/Regency. Very 
handy to know. It's the kind of thing I might have read and 
automatically tempered myself in a contemporary setting without 
considering the effect that same reading might have on a 
died-in-the-wool fan.

Thank you for the question and the thread. It might prove to be an 
interesting and useful one for the SW Dance Organiser list denizens.

Compliments of the season to all.

Cheers, John
-- 
J.D. Erskine
Victoria, BC