[Callers] Etiquette of refusing an offer to dance

[Amy Wimmer]

Greetings All,

I really like JD's methods. When teaching I do an abbreviated version of
that, but I think I'll expand it to include a _kind_ refusal, and universal
participation during the lesson.

My husband and I are dance organizers, and for several years have been
working hard to make the atmosphere of the dance welcoming and safe for
all. We have signs in the restrooms about behavior. The one in the women's
states that if one doesn't want to dance with someone, for any reason, it
is best to be quick about it, saying, "No, thank you," so the ask-er has
time to find a different partner. Skip the lengthy excuse, then find a
partner you _want_ to dance with.

Also, at the end of a dance, I often encourage people to invite someone
who's sitting out to dance. Every once in a while I ask new folks to
identify themselves, then ask experienced dancers to dance with them.

-Amy




On Dec 17, 2017 12:01 AM, "JD Erskine via Callers" <
callers at lists.sharedweight.net> wrote:

On 2017-12-16 1139, Kalia Kliban via Callers wrote:

> Hi all,
>

snip


To what extent has that earlier etiquette norm either survived or been
> replaced, and what has it been replaced with?  In your dance community,
> do you have a written statement of the etiquette around this?  Our
> community's statement doesn't directly address this issue.
>
> Kalia
>

I'm aware of it the earlier approach. Like Martha I once chose to follow it
and sit one out now and again.

I think it's pretty much died, and across a number of dance forms in my
village, and the local and larger regions here. I couldn't say when,
however it isn't a taught thing, to my knowledge.

I've not seen a written statement, in any social/country dance form in my
village or the major neighbouring one.

When offering an introductory session, typically for Contra or sometimes
for a larger/longer "Community" or ONS event, I cover it at some point.

Rather than talk about it, or model it, I have _everyone_ pattern it.

All I do is state that anyone may ask anyone to dance, that we all have the
freedom to accept or not. I often include that _no_ reason,
excuse/"excuse", explanation, or additional words are necessary, useful or
expected.

Then I give a basic verbal example like,

"Would you like to dance?" "Yes please/thank you."
(depends on my mind that day.)

"Would you like to dance?" "No thank you."

I count to three, we all _loudly_ ask, then we all loudly answer,
accepting. Then I start again and we all ask, then all kindly say no.

Often many are laughing by the time that is done.

Sometimes I've seen the mood, esp. amongst some who may have seemed
concerned (generally), lighten a bit. Usually lots of smiles. Thing is
they've all practised it, and now know that those in the room know this is
an accepted approach. I think that takes a load off some minds, if not
about this then possibly about being there, trying something new. We're
laughing and that eases a number of things in general.

Enough regular dancers participate in the Contra intro session that it's
not only newcomers who hear this, from me. If it's late enough in the time
frame of that others are in the room and hear it as well.


The Me-Too moment:

I've really only had one major instance of a persistent series of
"askings", over one event and from one person at that. I danced a couple of
them. I then chose to say more, thanking them for the attention and the
awareness given me that they thought it fun to dance with me, however
pointing out there were more people than I could possibly dance with there
over that type of dance weekend, and that I too had friends I'd not dance
with if I acquiesced to every request. (We were both visiting that city.)
It wasn't comfortable to say, however the attention wasn't welcome either.

I think the point was made kindly enough that I wasn't their "ride", to
satisfy them simply out of courtesy. Perhaps this informed me a bit with
respect to my inclusions when teaching. Dunno.

I'm glad of the aspect Alan provided regarding Austenites/Regency. Very
handy to know. It's the kind of thing I might have read and automatically
tempered myself in a contemporary setting without considering the effect
that same reading might have on a died-in-the-wool fan.

Thank you for the question and the thread. It might prove to be an
interesting and useful one for the SW Dance Organiser list denizens.

Compliments of the season to all.

Cheers, John
-- 
J.D. Erskine
Victoria, BC


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