Hello everyone, I was forwarded the message below as part of a private discussion about appropriate behavior at dances, and one community's response. I checked with the author and was requested to forward a version that removed references to specific people and the actual dance. The author's modified version is below. I really enjoy the emphasis that the author places on people's tendency to misinterpret other's intentions and having a bias of acceptance in the community. I hope that you find this as thought-provoking as I do. Chris Weiler Goffstown, NH ************ The issue of male dancers dancing too close to women or appearing to act inappropriately has come up on at least three occasions in our dance community, and the dance's board members were involved in the email discussions and decisions about what to do. First, we need to recognize that different people have different conceptions about their comfort zones when it comes to physical contact with others. Thus, what one person feels is a violation of her personal space may not be recognized as such by another. Second, we need to be aware that different cultures view personal space in different ways. Still, we want everyone to be comfortable at the dance, and therefore we need to educate both the dancers whose behavior might be considered offensive and those dancers who might feel offended. We have to let the former know that their behavior is making people uncomfortable and the latter know that they can establish and reinforce with male dancers the amount of closeness that they are comfortable with. One problem dancer was not at all adept and, as a result, might have appeared to "butt chests" or "grope butts," although most of the board members believed that this is because he was somewhat "challenged" and a poor dancer at best. As a solution, one of our board members took him downstairs and gave him a dancing lesson. Another dancer is very demonstrative when he dances. Not only did he hold women too closely (although some of them didn't mind), but he also danced very energetically, kicking up his heels and not paying attention to the dancers around him. Our board members spoke with him about modifying his dance techniques, but his exuberance would eventually overtake him, and he had to be spoken to again. In the end, he decided to stop coming to the dance. A third instance involved an older male dancer who had made a young female dancer nervous with a comment about her T-shirt. This male dancer is not native to this country, and his remark could have been misinterpreted. Since all of the board members know this dancer and feel that he is not a threat to the dance community, it was decided that we would speak to him about the incident to reinforce that we want everyone to feel comfortable when dancing. The fellow seemed to understand what the complaint had been, but he was surprised by his remark being taken in that way. He was serious and concerned. There have been no complaints about his dance behavior since then. Those are the incidents that come to mind. Besides speaking to the offending males, we need to reinforce with women dancers--especially those just starting out--that they don't have to put up with objectionable behavior. They need to know whom to address if they have a complaint. They also need to know that they can simply push back to establish the space that they are comfortable with when they are dancing with men who hold them too closely. Also, soliciting the help of younger female dancers who are regulars can help assist in identifying any problem dancers. So these are the things that are recommended: 1. Have committee members speak to the offending males, even giving a dancing lesson (preferably in a side room, out of view), if necessary. 2. Encourage women dancers, especially beginners, to alert the dance organizers if they feel that certain dancers are holding them too closely or being too familiar. Also point out to them that they can push back to establish the space that they are comfortable with. 3. Solicit the assistance of responsible young female dancers, asking them to alert your dance organizers if certain male dancers are making them uncomfortable. 4. In a general email, the dance organizers can remind dancers about courteous behavior and encourage them to let the organizers know if they have complaints about inappropriate dance behavior. And just so you'll know that the problem can go both ways, one young male dancer has reported that sometimes he finds some of the older women dancers being too "attentive"!