[Callers] Etiquette of refusing an offer to dance

[Mary Collins]

coming late also here, Dale, so stealing your "lesson" comments.  We
usually don't directly address the refusal part of the equation as we are
so short of dancers, it's usually exhaustion that sits us out! lol...saying
that...we do encourage new dancers to ask anyone (esp. those that look like
they know what they are doing) to dance.  Our regular dancers are always
eager to bring them into the experience for which I am grateful.  The "old"
rule used to apply and several years ago, we had a very upset dancer who
left and never returned because someone turned him down and then danced
with someone else.  This particular dancer it was found, had some mental
health issues, along with size and ability issues as well and took the
refusal very personally.

In the CDSS callers' course we discussed this and it was mentioned that
saying no, needs no explanation.  Now, as a large woman (who,it has been
noted by another dancer as"...very light on your feet") I often get no's.
I try to ignore this and not take it personally, however, it often comes to
mind as I sit out more and more.  Age and size do matter, unfortunately.
As we become more inclusive in our dance culture we tend to forget those of
us who raised you and brought you into this wonderful world of dance and
community.  So if there is a kind, gentle way to remind dancers to ask
ANYone to dance, and to accept the invitation (if so desired) regardless of
dancer appearance or possible experience then I am all for it.  Please note
this happens to me more at festivals and dances where I am less known as
organizer, dancer, caller.

Ok way to get off on a tangent but I feel it is relevant.

Mary Collins

“Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass ... it's about learning
to dance in the rain!” ~ Unknown

On Mon, Dec 18, 2017 at 10:54 AM, Luke Donforth via Callers <
callers at lists.sharedweight.net> wrote:

> At the dances I've seen/called in and around VT, we don't address this
> directly (with signs or such).
>
> I've heard of the practice of sitting after declining, but I don't think
> it's a common practice for most folks these days. I'd say it's mostly
> fallen by the wayside.
>
> The one time I've seen it come up at a dance was more than a decade ago
> when an older male dancer castigated a young female dancer for turning him
> down and then dancing with someone else instead of sitting out. Several
> folks told her afterwards that he was rude and impertinent and she hadn't
> been in the wrong. I wish we'd taken a stronger line with him directly too
> though. I don't know if she offered an excuse or just a no, thank you.
>
> I like CD*NY's etiquette list that Alexandra linked to (
> http://cdny.org/what-is-contra/contra-etiquette/), especially the bit
> that addresses this:
>
> *You are always free to say no when someone asks you to dance.  You don’t
> have to give a reason; you can just say “No, thank you.” If you ask someone
> to dance and they say “No,” take it gracefully and move on. If someone has
> declined to dance with you, the etiquette in our community is not to ask
> that person again that same night. If they would like to dance with you,
> they can come ask you—it’s their turn to do the asking.*
>
> Adding that you shouldn't ask someone multiple times, but have put the
> ball in their court seems a polite nudge to folks on both sides
>
> Incorporating some of the other strong suggestions that have come up on
> this discussion, I might advocate our group putting up something like:
> You are always free to say no when someone asks you to dance.  No reasons
> are required; a short "No, thank you.” gives that person more time to find
> a different partner. If you ask someone...
>
> Thanks for starting this discussion Kalia! It seems like one that could
> have gone on the organizers shared-weight instead of callers; but this one
> does seem to be most people's default.
>
> --
> Luke Donforth
> Luke.Donforth at gmail.com <Luke.Donev at gmail.com>
>
> _______________________________________________
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