[Callers] Etiquette of refusing an offer to dance

[Alan Winston]

BACDS Code of Conduct says:

http://bacds.org/conduct/CodeOfConduct.pdf

-----------------

"Ask a partner kindly.  Accept their answer cheerfully.  If you are 
repeatedly declined by a prospective partner, it is best to give them space.

Feel free to decline a dance with someone with whom you feel 
uncomfortable. If you would prefer not to dance with them, a simple "no 
thanks" is appropriate.  We encourage you to dance with a variety of 
peple both new and familiar, but your safety and comfort come first.

-------------------

So it doesn't explicitly address this, but I think it doesn't address it 
because the norm is now understood to be that there's no obligations on 
the person being asked.

In my beginner lessons, both contra and English, I say (when I remember) 
that anybody may ask anybody else to dance, that you can accept or 
decline, that you don't have to explain yourself and that indeed you 
shouldn't spend a lot of time declining because that keeps the one who 
asked you from finding another partner.  (I also sometimes say that 
unlike a bar or club, the only necessary subtext of "may I have this 
dance" is "I need a partner to able to dance this dance".)  I've 
occasionally modeled asking, being declined, and moving on with good grace.

I think I got some of that by looking at the George Marshal beginner 
session that's on youtube.

Incidentally, some brand new dancers come in with the "must sit out if 
declining a dance" idea already installed; it turns out that it's there 
in Jane Austen.  So in discussing this in Regency-dance context I do a 
thing about how this isn't re-creation but recreation - we're playing, 
not slavishly reconstructing the period, and we can leave behind things 
that don't work for us today.

-- Alan


On 12/16/17 11:39 AM, Kalia Kliban via Callers wrote:
> Hi all,
>
> Those of us who started dancing 2 or 3 decades back probably remember 
> the rule about sitting out the dance if you turn down a partner offer. 
> A very competent male dancer I know who started around the same time I 
> did (late 80s) recently confessed to me that he never asks anyone to 
> dance because he doesn't want to put folks in the position of thinking 
> "If I don't dance with this guy then I have to sit one out.  Oh crap, 
> guess I'll have to dance with him."  For the record, he's a totally 
> solid and delightful dancer.
>
> To what extent has that earlier etiquette norm either survived or been 
> replaced, and what has it been replaced with?  In your dance 
> community, do you have a written statement of the etiquette around 
> this?  Our community's statement doesn't directly address this issue.
>
> Kalia
> _______________________________________________
> List Name:  Callers mailing list
> List Address:  Callers at lists.sharedweight.net
> Archives: https://www.mail-archive.com/callers@lists.sharedweight.net/