It always surprises me when people bring sexuality into this conversation, even though at this point I should know better. I enjoy dancing with Colin, just as I enjoy dancing with anyone who is a good dancer (or making a good-faith effort, or having a tonne of fun) and an interesting, kind, thoughtful human being, and I am pleased that we are friends both on and off the dance floor. When he (or anyone) asks me to dance, my first thought is not “oh good, I'm sexually attracted to this person” — it’s “oh good, this will be fun!”

Recently at a contra dance I was separated from my partner, a woman, by two men who didn’t want to dance with each other and perceived my partner and I as acceptable alternatives. I was visibly upset by it and declined to dance at all; I am not a commodity). One of the men came over afterwards to apologise (as did my partner; older than me and not in her home community, I think she felt more social pressure to accede). He explained that he knew how I felt because he “has a daughter like you” — meaning, lesbian. I explained back to him that I wasn’t upset because I’m a lesbian, I was upset because I had asked someone to dance, they had accepted, and that agreement had been disregarded in deference to two men’s discomfort. To be honest, I am squicked out by the idea that someone looks at me dancing with another person and thinks first of my sexuality — that’s a creepy worldview in the context of contra dancing.

There are dance communities determined to hold onto a heterocentric model, and that’s their choice — but we are, as a society, attempting to heal from a long — but ultimately quite recent — history of toxic gender models and so I think it’s a bad choice. Men being afraid or disgusted to touch other men is a social illness, not something to preserve or protect. Based on people’s comments in this discussion, gender-free dance communities understand, consciously or otherwise, that contra dance is a collective enterprise, that we are all dancing with each other, and that the community is healthier when it doesn’t put limits around how that happens. Friends can dance with each other — yes, even if they’re men! — and family members, and strangers, and lovers can all dance with each other, and they can bring different aspects of themselves to every interaction within the dance, whether with partner or neighbour.